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Will time and space collapse if I do a Top Ten of Top Tens?? How about just two?

Top Ten Things Never Before Said By A NASCAR Driver

10. Kasey Kahne: "Anyone know how to drive a stick?"
9. Jeff Gordon: "Does this gas taste funny to you?"
8. Jeff Burton: "I don't care much for country music or beer"
7. Mark Martin: "Switch the 'r' and 'c' in 'racing' and you get 'caring'"
6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: "Wow, Letterman looks so young in person"
5. Denny Hamlin: "You're looking at a guy who can drive 500 miles without taking a leak"
4. Kyle Busch: "A truly great driver doesn't mind asking for directions, am I right, ladies?"
3. Kevin Harvick: "It would be nice if the guys in the pits occasionally surprised me with a piece of carrot cake or something"
(Actually, I can kind of see Harvick saying something like that...this is the man that said if $100,000 was raised for the Victory Junction Gang Camp, Tony Stewart would wax his back and chest. Read about it...)
2. Jimmie Johnson: "The Nextel Cup is great, but what I'm really excited for is Late Show Ventriloquist Week"
1. Matt Kenseth: "If you think I'm fast in my car, you should see me in the bedroom"

Top Ten Signs Your Family Is Nuts Presented By Dr. Phil

10. You're 42, but your dad still makes you watch the parade on his shoulders
9. All of mom's recipes involve 1 part gin and 3 parts tonic
8. Breaking the wishbone usually involves a trip to the hospital
7. The Shi'ites next door ask you to keep the fighting down
6. Never had Thanksgiving with family because you work at the Late Show
5. Have to eat your dinner without utensils because everyone's on suicide watch
4. In honor of the pilgrims, everyone gets scurvy
3. So-called turkey is wearing a dog collar
2. Instead of spouses, each member brings an attorney
1. Caught your wife "giving thanks" to the caterer

Ah, Letterman...the Top Ten is really the only reason I tune in. Of course, I also have a totally new appreciation for Jay Leno's "Headlines." You may not realize it, but working at a newspaper makes those things like 10 times funnier.

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